I am now 24 years old.  My mother and grandmother are both Jehovah's Witnesses. My grandmother was not always a Witness.  She came in about 1940 or so, she brought herself and 3 daughters to the organization.  My grandfather would have no part of it and wouldn't allow his only son to be in it either.  My one aunt married and is now inactive only because she lives very far away from my grandmother.  My other aunt married and his full-time pioneer with her husband being an elder. 

My mother on the other hand is a different story all together.  You see my mother suffers from mental illness.  She was in her 30's when she got pregnant with me.  She wasn't married and got involved with a "worldly" man.  My father is a real piece of work too.  He is now completely out of the picture.  My mother was intimate with my father only once and I am the result.  I guess the elders took "pity" on my mother for her "mental condition" and did not disfellowship her for getting pregnant without being married.  They said she "repented" for her sins.  As a result I grew up with my grandmother and grandfather. 

My child years were wonderful. Even though I was not allowed to associate with children from school I was allowed to play with the neighborhood kids who were thought to be okay.  I had plenty of friends in the congregation to support me.  I was always with them and my family.  I cannot remember a single bad thing. 

When I got to be a teenager things began to change.  The younger brother and sisters in my congregation started to couple off, even though the elders warned against this.  I guess what they didn't know wouldn't hurt them.  I did not have any one to couple off with and I felt very left out.  I wanted someone to have an interest in me as every teenage girl does.  I was noticed at school and at my part-time job by young men.  At first I was able to ward off the feelings.  I was able to feel comfortable without someone.  At age 17 everything changed. I met and fell in love with a "worldly" boy from my school. He made me feel so special.  I began to lie about where I was going,  I would sneak off and see him. I was always known as a good girl so I was trusted in what I said.  Things moved slowly in our relationship at first.  I was a virgin and so was he (which is very unusual now-a-days).  Eventually the inevitable occurred.  The lies became more and more, as I wanted to be with him more and more.  Eventually I was caught. I lied again and broke it off.  I graduated high school and got a part-time job, as I was made to feel like I had to spend the majority of my time serving Jehovah.  Time passed and I was caught again with him.  This time I stood my ground on my love for him and refused to break it off.  I was told that I could see him but I could not live at home.  I immediately began to look for a place of my own.  Within 2 weeks I had moved out.  About 1 month later the boy broke up with me.  I was heartbroken lonely and confused.  Not to mention the fact that the elders were on me to have a meeting with them (when I moved out I stopped going to all meetings). 

Two weeks later my grandfather a Non-Jehovah's Witness died.  I was an outcast at the Service which only added to my pain.  I had nowhere to turn so I turned back to the Witnesses.  The elders told me to move home and return to the meetings.  I told them that I would not move back home, but I would come back to the meetings. I knew that was not what they wanted to hear.  Three weeks later I was disfellowshipped.  I tried to "repent" and return.  I had never felt such shame.  I had to come in late and leave before services were over.  I had to sit in the back.  No one would talk, smile, or even make eye-contact with me. If I would use the rest room,  all the other "sisters", many of whom I have known since I was a child, would leave as if I had some contagious disease.  I could not participate in meetings.  I did not even want to sing out loud.  If I needed any literature I had to see an elder to get it for me.  No elders came to see me, meet with me, or encourage me in any way.  When I stopped showing up, not even one person called to see if I was still alive.  That was 5 years ago.  To this date not one of these "loving" Christians has even called me. Some of my childhood "friends" have since left and I sometimes talk to them. I hear horrible things about myself that aren't true.  I see Jehovah's Witnesses that I know,  all over, and not one will even make eye contact with me.  My mother and grandmother do not speak to me.  I believe if my mother was allowed to she would, but with her mental condition she is afraid to.  I was hospitalized for one week and had surgery,  my mother was only allowed to see me once,  and I know the elders looked down on this.  Until I "crossed" them I was a wonderful person now I am a demon possessed sinner.  As time goes by I am slowly getting over this.

Disfellowshipped